Friday, August 31, 2007

Post- Divorce Rebuilding Newsletter Issue 1 August 10, 2007

Post-Divorce Rebuilding Newsletter

Issue 1 -August 10, 2007

The case of a lost identity and the broad implications


Tips and tools for rebuilding your post-divorce life

on the framework of a new identity


Please forward this newsletter to anyone who needs empowerment to move on after the
break-up of a marriage relationship



(i) Bring to light issues related to crisis in the identity of people who have experienced the trauma of a divorce so as to empower you to recognize and identify the impact your divorce has in different areas of your life

(ii) Offer you tools and tips on how to resolve identity issues in your life

(iii) Provide you with a forum to express yourself in a community of individuals who are pursuing a similar goal of rebuilding their lives after a divorce


In this Issue


1. Pluto’s loss of identity creates a dilemma

2. Dennis was unequipped for the change in his identity

3. How men and women’s identities are impacted after divorce

4. Joining hands with you!


1. Pluto’s loss of identity creates a dilemma =========================================================

Teachers, school children, educational policy makers and the whole world were stunned by the very unusual announcement on August 24, 2006. The International Astronomical Union (IAU) declared that Pluto, then known as the farthest planet from the Sun, did not quite make the cut for classification as a planet. Pluto was demoted from an official planet to a ‘dwarf planet’. This downgrading was because of new rules for defining planets. Pluto met only two out of three major criteria and was thought to fit more into a new category of dwarf planets.

Poor Pluto! Having enjoyed the community of eight other ‘proper’ planets for so long (76 years), Pluto had been hailed and honored not only in educational books but also in planetary mobiles, museums, toys and movies. Pluto now has to find its rank among a new class of dwarf planets. The good thing is that Pluto is not alone in its new category. There are two other bodies classified as dwarf planets and astronomers believe the number of such bodies could quickly increase.

Pluto’s loss of its identity of many years has far broader implications. Stacks of school textbooks, computer software, encyclopedias, dinner place-mats, museum exhibits, glow-in-the dark mobiles and businesses that engage in all these are grossly affected by the new classification. The question that rang through these businesses a year ago was ‘What are we to do when Pluto is no longer a planet?’

Pluto’s demotion is a classic case of loss of a well-established identity and the far reaching implications. Of greater interest to this newsletter is the issue of loss of a sense of identity when a marital relationship ends.


2. Dennis was unequipped for the change in his identity


Just as Pluto’s loss of identity created a world- wide dilemma, so does your divorce and subsequent loss of identity affect the world around you. Consider Dennis who went through a divorce three years ago. Prior to the event, life was very good and everything was in order for Dennis. He had a good job that provided a good income and lots of security. Marley, Dennis’ wife of thirteen years made life easy for the family as she took care of the finances and many household responsibilities. Dennis’ three young kids were doing well in school and he was very proud of them. With this kind of family setting, Dennis had enough recreation time which he mostly spent with his friends on golf courses. This entire peaceful scenario fell apart when Dennis came home one night and discovered he was all alone. Marley had taken the children and moved to another town. It took Dennis a few days to find out what had really happened. He had been blind to the fact that he and Marley were growing apart in their relationship. This fact made the divorce process and the months thereafter seem like a nightmare to Dennis. His home became a house as he had no one to share it with. Dennis’ role and responsibilities changed in the matter of months. So did his relationship with his friends and general social circle. For many months, Dennis could not come to terms with the fact that he was alone. He found it difficult to decipher who he really was with no wife and children in his daily life.

As if the above complexities were not enough, Dennis found out that his old friends did not feel as comfortable with him as before his divorce. They did not really buy into the idea of a single man spending a lot of time in their home. Dennis was not the only person whose identity was affected. Marley and their children also had tales of how challenging life was after the divorce.


3. How men and women’s identities are impacted after a divorce


As for Dennis, divorce impacts many areas of the lifestyle of the parties involved. Your perception of physical self and self-worth tend to be the first areas of change in your identity that becomes obvious. Loneliness and loss of social identity which becomes more real in the latter months are among the most painful parts of divorce for many people.

The loss in your sense of identity is made more complex by other changes in your network of family and friends. You may find that you have less time to spend with your children. You may feel you need to severe ties with in-laws. Your friends may feel they need to choose between you and your ex-spouse in terms of friendship. Your old friends may exclude you from their circle of established couples. All these impact on your social identity. Other areas of your identity affected greatly by your divorce include career identity, spiritual identity and economic identity

It is the goal of this newsletter to look more closely at each of these areas of your loss and equip you with tools for resolving the issues involved.

An essential preliminary step for moving on after divorce is identifying how your divorce has impacted on various areas of your identity. You need to be able to personally nail down the issues and acknowledge their impact upon your life. Coming to terms with the fact that your old identity is gone is a crucial step towards discovering a new identity. The process of discovery requires that you have an open mind while searching for something new. Your ultimate goal is to rebuild your life on a framework of a new identity that you discover.

Rebuilding your post-divorce life has a limitless cost. You need to rebuild many areas of your life- finances, family, self-worth, career, spiritual, physical, health. The fact that your whole life is involved makes the effort you invest into the rebuilding a worthwhile one. We appreciate the priceless worth of the cost of rebuilding and that is why we have invested this newsletter towards that goal.

Upcoming issues will address specific areas of your identity that has been impacted by your divorce, what this is costing you, and ways to resolve the issues involved so you can rebuild your life step by step.


4. Joining hands with you!


a. Share your story:

Being able to share your experience of a lost identity after a divorce is an element of releasing the past. As you put your thoughts down on paper, an active part of you is releasing some of the hurts. The more you release these hurts, the freer you will become to embrace a new future.

Can you relate to the issues described above for Dennis? Would you like to share the aspects of your sense of self that were mostly impacted by your divorce? Feel free to send us your story through the link below:


b. Suggestions

As pioneer members of the newsletter subscription, we would love to hear from you on you would like covered in this newsletter series. We welcome your suggestions on topics.

Feel free to send us your suggestions through the link below:


c. Complimentary coaching session:

Divorce is a traumatic event that leaves you with a number of internal and external conflicts. Coaching can help you to unravel a new identity and move on to realize your maximum potential in your changed circumstances

Try out our complimentary 30 min coaching session to help you maximize your rebuilding efforts after a divorce. Click here to sign up.



Please feel free to pass this newsletter on to your friends, family members or colleagues that may benefit from the contents.


STAY SANE THROUGH CHANGE is an empowering guide that equips you to successfully manage the challenges of complex life transitions such as divorce, relocation and career change. Click here to access the book

You may also listen in on how to rise above the challenge of change on your PCs, mp3 players and car stereos. Click here to access STAY SANE THROUGH CHANGE AUDIO BOOK.

For more resources on managing changes in your life, please visit

Dave Webster and Tolu Adeleye, life coaches, authors and speakers, through their consultancy provide you and your clients with tools for dealing with life transitions. Their areas of expertise include family- and career-related transitions.

To get instant access to such tools, visit

You may reach the partners through

Published by Contemporary Lifestyle Consulting Inc.

Copyright 2007 Contemporary Lifestyle Consulting Inc. All rights reserved.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Searching for a new identity?


Spring has just sprung upon us and with it some freshness in the air. The daffodils will soon be in bloom and we can savor the beauty of the flowers in our garden that we labour for. It is significant at this time of the year, many of us clean out our homes and surroundings in the traditional ‘spring cleaning’ fashion. Spring is a season for renewal. It is also noteworthy that Easter is celebrated at the beginning of spring. The Easter message is that of hope, life after death; an old thing becoming new. This Easter season we would like to offer you this message of hope in terms of a new identity after your loss.

If you have lost your spouse due to divorce you face a transition period in which your sense of identity is lost. If you lost a loved one to death, you enter a period of deep introspection when you question how you can live your life without that loved one. A significant part of you was lost and you never seem to be whole again. Your sense of identity is lost.

Who am I- the case of a lost identity /sense of identity?

Your loss brought so much devastation to you. For a long time you questioned who you really are. Your spouse left you and the kids to take on a different life. Over the years your family identity had been that of a double parent family with children living in the same house. That was shattered. Your social identity used to be linked to being the spouse of Mr. X. or Mrs. Y. That is no more the situation. In terms of community identity, your interaction with neighbours at home and members of the clubs you belong had changed- you do not seem to be the same person any more.
Your economic identity was based on the class of the income level that your double-income family (or significant single income) had procured. A nice family home with decent amenities, and adequate finances to meet your family needs were all part of the status quo. The status quo is no more a status quo. It had been destroyed.
If you were part of a mixed marriage, you must have taken some time to build up some unique combination of ethnic identity based on a mixture of yours and your former spouse’s. With the divorce or the death of your loved one, this unique ethnic identity was blown apart. A most significant part of your being is your spiritual self- the way you identify yourself with God your creator. Marriage is a spiritual union and as a spouse you might have learnt to see God and relate to Him through and with your former spouse. Your divorce or the death of your spouse involves loss of part of your spiritual self. Your sense of spiritual identity is lost

Discovering a new identity

Easter is a season of new hope. However, new hope is always difficult especially if you cling tenaciously to a former type of life that is no more real. For you to find a new identity or sense of identity, you need to come to terms with the fact that your old way of life is gone- things will never be exactly the same as they were when you had your former spouse.
The hope of Easter is the assurance that despite the fact that things cannot be the same as they used to be, you can actually have brightness in a NEW kind of life. You can discover a new social/community identity as you find new avenues for friendship and companionship. As you seek new ways of nurturing yourself, new opportunities for boosting your self-esteem and new avenues for expressing your self creatively, you can discover a new sense of identity. A new family identity may take a long time to form. However, you need to start seeing yourself in a new way in your different role as a single parent. Joining a faith community will go a long way in helping you discover a new spiritual identity.
Remember that discovery comes when your eyes are open to see them. Keep the eyes of your mind open. Recognize that you can actually come to enjoy a NEW way of life.

Embracing a new identity

For you to develop your new sense of identity, you need to embrace it. That requires spending some time in your newly discovered opportunities. You need to keep on developing those new avenues of friendship. You need to grip onto those new measures that boost your self-esteem. You need to give attention to those community involvements that support you in your role as a single parent. Hold on to your new ways of nurturing yourself. Hug those new opportunities.

Moving on with a new identity

The lesson of Easter is one of life after death. As you embrace your newly discovered identity, keep on walking in it. Allow the growth to take place. Do not stunt it. Enjoy your new sense of identity. The past cannot be re-written. However, you can fill this new slate of life that you have with writings of truly great and memorable things.

As you welcome the freshness in the air this spring season, take time to discover a bright new social, economic and spiritual identity in your circumstances. This Easter season, hold on to the hope of new life after death. Take courage to embrace and move on with your newly discovered identity!!!

For more resources on managing changes in your life ALL YEAR ROUND, please visit

If you prefer to LISTEN in to practical tips for staying on top of your situation please click here.

Dave Webster and Tolu Adeleye, authors and life-change experts, through their consultancy provide you and your clients with tools for dealing with life transitions. Their areas of expertise include family- and career-related transitions.
To get instant access to such tools, visit
You may reach the authors through

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Novel identity

You may be one of many folks currently going through change and trying to discover a new identity. It may be that your old identity was linked to a relationship which has gone sour or no longer exists. If you have recently gone through a divorce of breakdown in your marriage, you may be asking who you really are. Adopting a new identity as a single person or single parent could be quite challenging. You do need some tools to help you discover and embrace a new identity.

On the other hand, you might have lost an identity that was linked to a job that is no longer yours. It could also be an identity linked to a status that you no longer have. Loss of identity is often linked to something very valuable that we have had for a substantial period of time. If you are newly retired, you might be seeking for a new identity that is not linked to your former job.

If you are in your teenage years, you may be searching for a new identity that is not linked to your parents' way of life. This stage which is normally referred to as identity crisis is normal. You need to really discover who you really are as you step into young adulthood.

Searching for a new identity is a common occurence in transitional stages of our lives.

For resources on discovering and embracing a new identity during times of change, please visit

Dave Webster and Tolu Adeleye, authors and life-change experts, through their consultancy provide you and your clients with tools for dealing with life transitions. Their areas of expertise include family- and career-related transitions.
To get instant access to such tools, visit
You may reach us through